Texas Chainsaw 3D [2013]

July 15, 2013

Is it, is it really? A third remake? Well, yes, yes it is, Texas Chainsaw 3D is the third attempt to recreate Tobe Hooper’s masterpiece from 1974, directed by John Luessenhop (Lockdown, Takers). This movie was something that I refused to watch for a long time and the reasons for that are obvious. If they wanted to do a good sequel, remake, reboot, or whatever the fuck are they calling these things, they should watch The Thing – 2011 edition, over and over again. Hell, both of the previous installations in the Texas Chainsaw franchise, are great examples as well. In fact, compared to them, Texas Chainsaw 3D is a pretty weak addition to the franchise.

The thing that made me wanna watch it was the fact that its producers after this movie got the rights for Day of The Dead remake and $20 million to make it. With that in mind, let’s see what we actually got here. Texas Chainsaw 3D is a direct sequel to the original 1974 movie. We pick up the story right after the events from the original. You already know what’s up as Leatherface butchered some people and now the townsfolk want revenge. After that brief intro, we jump to the present time and meet our band of merry young adults. Young and extremely attractive Heather just inherited a house in the town of Newt, Texas.

She decides to visit it along with her friends and shit hits the fan pretty much instantly. From that moment on, we will go through every possible cliche in the book. Moreover, I think that this is what makes the movie more fun than it ought to be. You can watch it and make fun of it at the same time. Alexandra Daddario, remember this name because after this she will become famous with that perfect body and excellent acting skills. Actually, one might argue that her body and portrayal of a girl struggling with her heritage saved this otherwise milking movie. The story was below average and so was the script with just enough nods to the original to market it properly.

However, some of the lines are just utterly hilarious. I think the worst offender is “do your thing cuz”. This is just another summer slasher, without any lasting value but without good slashers premiering this summer I guess it will have to do. It’s got enough gory scenes and brutal murders to interest the horror fans. And Alexandra is there to make things a bit steamy always wearing shirts that conveniently open up. Even when they give her a new shirt, it somehow miraculously ends up unbuttoned barely holding her ample bosom. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not, but there’s no nudity in this movie. Well, apart from some sideboobs towards the end.

The production values are equally not impressive despite the $20 million budget. Texas Chainsaw 3D tried to add a refreshing twist to a familiar tale of a chainsaw-wielding maniac. The end result is a cheesy horror movie you can also watch as a movie so bad that it’s good. It’s fast-paced and entertaining, I’ll give it that. Something is always happening. We also have the opportunity to see Clint Eastwood’s son, Scott. I’m sure you’re going to recognize him. Paul Rae was excellent as the sleazy mayor Burt Hartman. However, I simply can’t shake the feeling that this movie marks the end of the great additions to the franchise.

I absolutely loved the 2003 movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the 2006 The Beginning was just as good. I mean, we really lucked out with a couple of 2000s remakes like The Hills Have Eyes and Dawn of the Dead. It was time for someone to drop the ball. Finally, if you’re wondering in what order you should watch the Texas Chainsaw movies, here’s my suggestion: 1974, 2013, 2003, and 2006. After that, you can dive into the mess that is all those eighties and nineties sequels.