Vicky Cristina Barcelona [2008]

May 19, 2009

I do not like Woody Allen movies. In fact, I do not like Woody Allen at all. I never liked him and that’s before we even include the fact that the guy married his adopted daughter. Vicky Cristina Barcelona is not your usual Woody Allen movie and that’s the only reason why I decided to check it out. Okay, okay, I guess Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson also had something to do with it. And I guess I was ready to reexamine my attitude towards Woody’s movies. Not the man, as he’s a piece of shit, but his movies, just to be clear. And it was summer, and my girlfriend wanted to watch a movie. And before this turns into a diary or something else, let’s move on.

Basically, Vicky Cristina Barcelona is a dreamy romantic comedy featuring a beautiful setting and an equally appealing cast. It caters to our primal and tribal urges and at the same time superficially examines them. Sure, you can analyze the shit out of the movie and find ways how it’s smart but I don’t think that’s the case. Let’s just think about the story for a little bit. You have one cool painter who lives and “works” in Barcelona, Spain, and all the women are falling for him. You would think that I’m jelly, but I assure you that’s not the case.

I am just wondering why is all this happening. Why are they so in love with a guy that brings nothing to the table? It all seems like Hollywood’s idea of romance. You have a hot Spanish painter, beautiful vistas, beautiful girls, and lots of steamy scenes that never cross the line. It all seems so fake and dishonest. I much prefer the French version of the all-consuming love with depression, alcohol, and crime. And cigarettes, let’s not forget about cigarettes.

Most of the characters are driven by their primitive desires with a lot of help from personal insecurities and internal complexes. Their troubles seem so privileged and childish, especially in this world we are living in. All of this leaves you with no choice but to hate the characters. This has nothing to do with an excellent cast that tried to fill in the gaps. We all know that Javier, Penelope, and let’s say Scarlett are all great actors.

I feel especially bad for Javier, an extremely talented actor who was reduced to an ethnic, passionate lover. We all know that this role would be reserved for Antonio Banderas if this movie was made in the nineties. You might ask yourself why are people watching this movie when most of them are in so much trouble that they can barely afford the price of the ticket. The answer is very simple, most of the population are people who do not like thinking. They like to be externally stimulated and the movie covered both sides.

If you’re a woman, you got this passionate Spanish artist and another chick around you. And if you’re a guy, you got two beautiful girls, a great job that apparently pays well, and everything else. Now, to say that this movie has no value would be a lie. As I already mentioned, the cinematography is great along with a great cast and a mildly entertaining story. Of course, some people find this movie to be thrilling and that’s great. However, I always go back to that Dee Snider speech when he was under attack because of his lyrics.

If you’re looking for sadomasochism you will find it and if you’re looking for surgical references you will find them too.
Dee Snider

You can do this with almost any movie, let alone a movie created by Woody Allen. His movies are always a strange mix of weird ideas and concepts, so you can go on and on about the “higher truths”, but to me, this is just boring and irritating.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona feels like a publicity stunt. Woody got a nice vacation in Barthelona (you have to pronounce it properly, otherwise, how will people find you well-traveled). Actors got to work with one of the most famous directors. And production companies were certain that they are gonna get their money back. This becomes painfully obvious when you look at the budget for this film and the amount of money it has made. The budget was $15 million while the movie made $100 million. And this is why that fucker Woody is still making movies. Rabbit out.